Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
