2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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