My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
