I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
