I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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