You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
