You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
