They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
