my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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