dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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