I'm going to jail i love you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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