Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
