Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We need to get me chipped asap
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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