I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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