So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
