Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
