4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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