Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
