Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
