i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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