For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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