so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
