They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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