when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
