Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
