My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
