he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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