K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
