forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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