im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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