She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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