We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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