Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
