# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
