Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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