she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Shame is for Republicans.
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