I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
