I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
