I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
