At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
