I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
