probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
