The brown eye won't let me do that either.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
