he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
