Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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