the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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