I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
being pregnant is like rehab
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
