there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
