My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
