Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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