dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
