I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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